I’m the worst human being ever

worsthuman

No, this is not a post about low self-esteem or something related to that theme, it’s just that for the last months, I’ve been feeling like the worst human being ever and like I don’t deserve to be loved.

Even when I had good days, where everything was nice and fun, I always had the torn that reminded me that I was a bad person and that being loved wasn’t for me.

How did these feelings started? They started when I decided to end a relationship I had. It wasn’t a bad one or a toxic one, the boy has a heart of gold, but at the end, things didn’t work. Breaking up was hard, and still, every time I remember that day, my heart hurts. Dealing with rude comments and questions was hard, and still is.

“What happened between you and him?” “Aww! You looked so cute together!” “Karma exists and someone will break up with you and will hurt you” and the last one -and the most painful- “YOU were the bad one on the relationship”.

Listening those words from the people I care about, made me feel miserable and unworthy. My thoughts were that never in life someone was going to be able to love me because of my past and my choices. I even felt like my mom didn’t love me enough -sorry mom, I love you and I know you love me too- .

When I started my relationship with Jesus, I used to feel so fake and hypocrite, and I used to tell myself all the time: “how can I be here, claiming for the Lord and His greatness, when months ago I was hurting people that cared about me? I don’t deserve to be considered a christian girl and His mercy”. On that time, I read the Bible, went to church, read Christian blogs, had godly conversations with friends, but still, my feelings were there.

The breaking point was one morning, when two of my friends mentioned that I was a bad person because of the choices I made on my love life and started to laugh. I don’t know if it was the PMS, the fact that I only had a smoothie bowl for breakfast or my mood, but those words hurt like knives, and the rest of the day I felt miserable.

Trying to forget everything, I started to read again the book “Your Beautiful Heart” and something there had a huge impact on me.  I don’t remember exactly what the chapter was about, however, it mentioned the story of the Samaritan woman (John 4). She was a sinner, she had been married 5 times and was considered a really bad human being, but still Jesus was kind, sweet and gentle with her. Reading that gave me a little bit of hope and peace.

Later, I had the chance of sharing my feelings with one of my friends -she has a precious heart for the Lord- and I told her about how bad I felt and how undeserving of Jesus I was. She understood my feelings and she taught me that Jesus is the only person that can restore hearts. He is the one that heals and forgives. He is the one that gives us peace when we walk with Him.  While we were talking, I learned that I am loved and that I am worthy. I learned that I’m not my past. I’m not all those times I was mean to people. I’m not all those times I judged someone and I’m not all the bad choices I made.

But also, I learned that I need to change if I want to keep growing. I need to stop being rude, judgmental and mean, also, little by little, I need to start deleting all the attitudes that don’t glorify the Lord. I need to surround myself with people that can drag me closer to Him, not with people that don’t help me or encourage me to grow. That is not easy and it feels like a huge challenge. Feels harder than the challenge of doing Insanity and Kayla Itsines at the same time, but it’s something I want to do and I want to encourage you to do it.

It won’t happen overnight and there will be hard days, but God promises that He will help us to overcome our trials and struggles. He invites us to change our hearts and turn them to Him, because at the end, that will be the only way to be happy in our journey (Ezekiel 36: 26-28, 32-36). He will give us new and restored hearts.

Are you ready to make this change?


No, este no es un post sobre baja autoestima o algo relacionado con ese tema, es solo que durante los últimos meses, me he sentido como el peor ser humano del mundo y que no merezco ser amada.

Incluso los días en los que todo parecía genial y divertido, siempre tenía la espinita que me recordaba que yo era una mala persona y que eso de ser amada no era algo para mi.

¿Cómo empezaron estos sentimientos? Comenzaron cuando decidí terminar una relación que tenía. No era mala y tampoco era tóxica, incluso la persona con la que salía les puedo decir que tiene un corazón de oro, pero al final las cosas no funcionaron. Terminar fue duro, y todavía cada vez que recuerdo ese día mi corazón me duele. Lidiar con los comentarios rudos y preguntas pretenciosas fue difícil, y todavía lo es.

“¿Qué pasó con él?”, “¡Aww! Se veían tan bien juntos”, “El karma existe y algún día alguien te va a lastimar igual o peor”, y la última -y la más dolorosa- “VOS fuiste la mala de la relación”.

Escuchar esas palabras de las personas que quiero me hacía sentir miserable y sin valor. Mis pensamientos eran que nunca en la vida alguien me iba a amar debido a mis decisiones y errores del pasado. Llegué a sentir que hasta mi mamá no me quería lo suficiente por lo que había hecho -perdón mami, Te amo y sé que tu también me amas-.

Cuando comencé mi relación con Jesús, solía sentirme falsa e hipócrita, y solía decirme todo el tiempo: “¿Cómo es que puedo estar aquí, clamando al Señor y Su grandeza, si hace meses estaba lastimando a alguien a quien yo le importaba? No merezco ser considerada cristiana ni Su gracia“. A pesar de esas cosas que decía mi mente, en ese tiempo leía la Biblia, leía muchísimos blogs cristianos, tenía conversaciones sobre Cristo con mis amigos, pero aún así, lo que sentía seguía ahí.

Mi punto de quiebre fue una mañana, cuando dos de mis amigas mencionaron que yo era la mala de la historia por las decisiones que había tomado en mi vida amorosa y luego se comenzaron a reír. No sé si fue el PMS, el hecho que solo había desayunado un smoothie bowl o mi humor, pero esas palabras me lastimaron como cuchillos, y el resto del día me sentí fatal.

Tratando de olvidar todo, comencé a leer otra vez el libro “Your Beautiful Heart” y algo ahí tuvo un gran impacto en mi. No recuerdo muy bien sobre que trataba el capítulo, sin embargo, este mencionaba la historia de la mujer Samaritana (Juan 4). Ella era una pecadora, había estado casada 5 veces y era considerada una malísima persona, pero aún así, Jesús fue dulce y gentil con ella. Leer esto me dio un poquito de esperanza y paz.

Más tarde, tuve la oportunidad de compartir mis sentimientos con una de mis amigas -ella tiene un corazón precioso- y le dije lo mal que me sentía y lo no merecedora de Jesús que me encontraba. Ella entendió mis sentimientos y me enseñó que la ÚNICA persona que puede restaurar corazones es Jesús. Él es el único que sana y perdona. Él es quien nos da paz cuando caminamos con Él. Mientras hablábamos, también aprendí que soy amada y que soy valiosa. Aprendí que yo no soy mi pasado. No soy todas esas veces que fui mala o pesada con las personas. No soy todas esas veces que hablé mal o juzgué a alguien y tampoco soy las malas decisiones que he tomado. 

Algo que también aprendí es que necesito cambiar si quiero seguir creciendo. Necesito parar de ser ruda, juzgadora y pesada, y también poco a poco, necesito ir borrando de mi vida todas esas actitudes que no glorifican a Dios. Necesito rodearme de personas que me acerquen a Él, no de personas que no me ayuden o motiven a crecer. No es fácil y se siente como un gran reto. Se siente más difícil que el reto de hacer Insanity y Kayla Itsines al mismo tiempo, pero es algo que quiero hacer y que quiero invitar a todos a que lo hagan.

Sé que no es algo que sucederá de la noche a la mañana y sé que habrán días difíciles, pero Dios promete que Él nos ayudará a superar nuestros retos y dificultades. Él nos invita a cambiar nuestros corazones y entregárselos a Él, porque al final, esa será la única manera de ser felices en nuestro caminar. (Ezequiel 36:26-28, 32-36). Él nos dará corazones nuevos y restaurados.

¿Están listos para hacer ese cambio?

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5 comentarios en “I’m the worst human being ever

  1. Kristina dijo:

    Hey Mimi, You may or may not remember me. My name is Kristina. I was part of the NPBC mission team that served this past December. We did not actually interact with one another too much, but I want you to know that I really enjoyed reading your blog just now. I am 30 years old and the reality of needing to clear out the things that hold you back in your walk with Christ is real until you reach the other side(eternity with God and Jesus)! Be encouraged, you are being BOLD in your FAITH. You are trusting that you NEED GOD more than you NEED EVERYTHING ELSE!!! It may sound funny for me to say this, but you’re so young. The last 10 yrs of my life have been riddled with things that did not DRAW me closer to God…but it is as you said, “little by little… ” that’s it…today do your best and trust that as you continue to surrender your Old ways God will fill it in with all His good, pleasing and perfect ways…I love HIs word. He does not say things like you ‘might possibly’ experience abundance or I ‘maybe’ love you. He is not a guessing game. He says, you WILL have abundance(that means in the hard times and the smooth times). He says I ‘DO’ love you! As a little girl, my understanding of God’s love was complicated…I would hear people compare His love to a Father’s love…but my father was not around-he did not love me. At age 13, I experienced LOVE for the first time in my life. Jesus stepped in and filled the WHOLE in my life. He rescued me from brokeness, fear, insecurity, being the worst HUMAN ever, the list goes on….His grace and salvation were and ARE still enough. He really turned out to be the Father(friend, companion, love of my life) who would never leave me nor forsake…who would wrap his arm around me when I messed it up…and say” your’re forgiven.” There is no LOVE on earth like it….Now, I am happily(most days) married. My husband and I have been through rough stuff together…but even on the days when my husband fails(and believe me I FAIL TOO), God does not. He is still the most important LOVE OF MY LIFE…So I hope it helps to know that your transparency has touched my heart…keep on loving God(he is always going to be loving you and pursuing you)
    -Kristina

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